Trials of Mortality

 These past few weeks have proven to be some of the most physically and spiritually challenging I have yet to experience.  There is a lot of background that goes into these past few weeks.  I will try to sum it up in a way that brings clarity and hopefully a greater understanding as to why I feel the way I feel.

As you might know, Aaron and I are expecting our first baby.  I have about four more weeks until Aaron and I welcome our baby boy into the world.  It has been a great pregnancy. Clay is healthy and strong, and I am so grateful for that.  However here have been some setbacks with my mental and physical health. It has been difficult for me to express my feelings about this pregnancy because they have not been at all what I expected.

My whole pregnancy, I haven't quite felt like myself, and at first it was really difficult for me to be excited about having a baby.  This surprised even me! My whole life I have wanted nothing more than to be a wife and a mother.  When I found out I was pregnant I didn't know how to feel.  In all honesty I felt scared.  So scared in fact that I did not want to get to excited about the baby because I felt that because I wanted to be a mom so much that I would lose the baby. One of my biggest fears my whole life has been that I will have a difficult time getting and/or staying pregnant.  Thankfully that was not the case for this pregnancy.  Aaron and I have been blessed to have this healthy baby boy grow strong and prepare to come to our family.  We love him so much already.

But this fear, and feelings of insecurity did not leave when we found we were having a healthy baby.  I have been numb to a lot of feelings. I find it difficult to be excited about things I would normally be excited about.  If you know me, you know that I am typically a very emotional person.  Surprisingly that has not been the case during my pregnancy.  In fact the opposite has taken effect.  I have been numb to a lot of different emotions.  My poor husband has had to put up with alternating rage and depressive episodes this whole pregnancy. I have felt so bad, and have also felt like there is something wrong with me for the last 8ish months.  I have asked for blessings, and things seem to feel better for a while but then my numbness always comes back.

 I wasn't until I was learning about the signs and symptoms of depression in my psychology class that I realized what was happening to me. I realize now that due to all the hormone changes, and stressors in pregnancy, I have been experiencing a form of depression. This is something I have never before experienced.  This realization of being depressed has definitely humbled me.  It has helped me to realize that I can rely on my Savior for more than just spiritual things.  I can rely on my Savior to help me find the good in my dat and be grateful for it.  I oddly find myself being grateful for this experience because it has helped me draw closer to my Savior and more fully utilize his Atonement in my life.

My pregnancy has also had its physical challenges.  I have experienced some pretty debilitating migraines that have made it difficult for me to work and enjoy the journey of being pregnant.  Within the last couple of weeks I have also developed symptoms of preeclampsia.  This can bring on a lot of complications. My doctor has put me on bedrest and deemed me a high risk pregnancy to help keep any of those scary complications at bay.  We want to keep this little boy cooking for as long as possible so he can come when he is ready, rather than be forced to come early.

Because I have been put on bedrest, I am no longer able to work.  This is a scary thing for both Aaron and I since we both bring in equal parts to provide for our needs.  I have realized once again that for my spiritual welfare, this is something I can be grateful for.  I know it sounds strange. But if you know me I am usually a busy bee.  I am always working and going to school.  My time is always occupied with things that help me to feel productive.  But now that I am on bedrest, it is not that way.  I have to ask others for help.  Not only do I need to ask for help, but I have to rely on others to help me since I am literally confined to my bed.  This has proven to be such a challenge for me.

The past two weeks I have been learning more about Jesus Christ, His Atonement, and overcoming the natural man in my religion class this semester.  Because of these lessons I have been participating in, it helps give me a greater perspective as to what I am going through.  Knowing that Jesus Christ knows me, and what I am going through is one source of comfort. Knowing that I can rely on him for mental and physical strength brings on a whole new source of peace and reassurance.  I . know that pregnancy difficulties might seem small to some, and they are small in comparison to other trials people go through.  One thing we can all take comfort in is knowing that no trial is too big or too small for us to have the ability to utilize the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

Alma 33: 23 And now, my brethren, I desire that ye shall plant this word in your hearts, and as it beginneth to swell even so nourish it by your faith. And behold, it will become a tree, springing up in you unto everlasting life. And then may God grant unto you that your burdens may be light, through the joy of his Son. And even all this can ye do if ye will. Amen.

I am so grateful for the opportunity to learn and grow in this life. Our growth and progression is not always comfortable, but it is definitely worth it. I know that our Savior lives. I know he loves us. I know that he hears our prayers. Most importantly I know that he cares about what we go through. No matter how big, small, difficult, or debilitating the trial, he knows and he cares. He is there to help us through. All we have to do is come to him, and allow ourselves to receive his heavenly help.